June 23, 2008Why I haven't been around much
Death in the family. Be back online when things settle.
Posted on 06/23/2008 9:29 PM Comments (8)
June 2, 2008New dregs of Netflix[Check out the other half of this post, the review of The Forever Dead, over here.] In the Name of the King:I'm going to turn this on its head this time. Usually I post a list of the terrible crap that gets pumped out onto DVD and then let you choose what I watch and review. Well, not this time. Every now and then you should expect a gem to come out; something so amazingly bad and done with so little awareness of its terrible nature that choosing that movie is a moral imperative. That time has come and that movie is: A Dungeon Siege Tale  Uwe fucking Boll. Critic boxing, ego pumping, better than Spielberg Uwe Boll. Uwe, I choose you! Now, on with the show. The Hottie and the Nottie  I know that you've all been waiting for this. A classic retelling of "Taming of the Shrew". Only it makes you want to die. Who's Your Monkey?  There's a line in the description that goes: But what begins as a simple night out mushrooms into a madcap adventure to bust an animal porn ring and dispose of the body of a crystal meth dealer. Enough said. Gross Out  A movie about people making a gross film. Which is just an excuse to make a gross film. Pez  So, what lovely childhood icon should they turn into a crap rate cartoon next? Apple juice? Little Devil  Look. A remake of Problem Child. Did anyone ask for one? If so, please see me after class. Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank  Alliteration regarding southern California vampires always spells disaster. Hip-Hop Task Force: Studio: Vol. 2  Just read the title. Seriously. What is this elite federal task force for rappers? I've never heard of this before. The Kung Fu Mummy  Just... please. No. Loch Ness Terror  Not only is the Loch Ness monster one of the villains but.. it's not the only one! This one is in the great lakes! And it's a vengeance tale because the original Loch Ness monster killed this guys father. Multi generation Ness vendetta. War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave  I'm just wondering how they have a sequel after all the aliens die... Related Groups:
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Posted on 06/02/2008 3:47 PM Comments (6)
The Forever Dead review - Netflix WTFWYT
[Check out the other half of this post, the new and terrible list, over here...]
I... don't even have any jokes about this one, folks. The movie is described as so: When a laboratory bunny named Bugs escapes from his cage and nibbles on an unsuspecting victim, a small town is transformed into an experimental community. The residents are hardly human anymore -- and they're craving their next bloody meal. Can a hodgepodge group of survivors find common ground in their fight to save their own skins? Christine Parker splits duties as writer, director, producer, editor and camerawoman in this indie horror flick. What they don't tell you is that "indie horror" in this case means "filmed with a crappy video recorder by a bunch of douche bags with a bunny". Really, it's that bad.We are introduced to a lab technician and a scientist who apparently work in a local high school for all of their advanced research. This is the type of movie that would have "scientist" as a full job description. Think Ed Wood without the budget or heart. We are told an experiment was turned loose. A rabbit. An infected rabbit. The rabbit starts out as a regular bunny with some red paint on its fur. This makes it look less like a zombie rabbit and more of a PETA hate crime. The dramatic face shots of this evil bunny, nose twitching and eyes glittering, always fail to instill horror. Someone hits it with a shovel after an attack that is more than homage to the "fowl and nasty creature with sharp pointy teeth that goes nn nnnn nnnn". After that they change props to a rabbit skin dipped in red paint. They manipulate this with strings. Which you can see. Apparently it's in pain as there's a scene where we hear some sort of gnashing squeal. "What was that?" asks the man that we've been randomly shown. "That was a rabbit scream, city boy," says his hefty lover. They then drag the rabbit skin into the room, blood and fur and visible string. Since they just yank the string it looks like a small blanket is humping his foot as he screams. After it finishes it's ankle feast it bops across the floor, string yanked to lift its head and then tail. Since there's nothing in the fur it looks incredibly ridiculous. That was the 12 minutes and 40 second mark. That's when I turned it off. I didn't have time to drink, that's how bad and painful and short an experience this was. The whole movie is actually 1 hour and 40 minutes. If anyone out there wants to give it a go I'll pray for you. Related Groups:
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Posted on 06/02/2008 3:47 PM Comments (2)
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